Back to the beginning?

Dictionary definitions of Identity variously describe it thus:
(i) The fact of being who or what a person or thing is; (noun)
(ii) Essential self: the set of characteristics that somebody recognises as belonging uniquely to himself or herself and constituting his or her individual personality for life (noun).

Hmmmm.....so again I am thinking, and wondering if there is, in fact, any such thing as a true individual identity or whether it is merely a construct of the ego. Are we then talking of the ego when we speak of individual identity. Is there anything at a truly fundamental level that singles me out....that makes me different to you...or you...or you.....?

It is true I have characteristics that are different to yours perhaps. Is what separates me from you, for instance, the fact that I get truly excited by small events in nature, e.g a visit from a woodpecker to the tree outside my house; or the fact that you might like to eat curry for breakfast? I would hazard a guess that there are thousands of people in the world who have those same characteristics. Perhaps I am talking of individuality and not identity then.

Is it merely a matter of perception in that your identity is dependant upon what I see in and of you and similarly, my identity is dependant upon your assessment of me? If that is so, given that we all 'see' each other through our own personal veils of experience etc. which colour our perceptions, I wonder again, is there any such thing as a real, tangible and/or perceptible individual identity....apart from the superficial obvious things i.e. age, hair colour, eye colour, skin colour etc.? Does a set of characteristics, tastes, opinions, attitudes really constitute identity?

I think there are clues. We reveal our selves in all sorts of different ways. Looking at my art both present and past it is quite clear what I hold to be true at a deeper level and what influences me - perhaps that is where true identity lies? How do we separate and project our true identity as opposed to that of the ego identity which is, I would hazard a guess, more interested in how we look?

How did we get here?

Instead of a round robin style newsletter the Christmas card I received from one of my cousins contained a hand written note. She commented that it had been a long time since we'd last seen each other and that it would be good to catch up.

A word or two of explanation about my family is required at this point. My oldest cousin is 65 and therefore closer in age to my dad (her uncle) than to me, her eldest daughter is 5 months younger than my sister and she has a son older than my daughter. My youngest cousin is almost 10 years older than me, so I can't say that I have ever been close to any of them.

I think I last saw Alison 10 years ago at her mother's funeral, my family has always been very widespread which doesn't lend itself to being close, and by the mid- 1990s was in a pattern of meeting only at weddings and funerals.

I followed up Alison's card with a quick email making a few comments about age and life events to which she responded. I suddenly felt compelled to return to the question of how I came to be who I am today that started this journal. It struck me that in our brief exchange of notes we had provided minimal information about the obvious things in life- ages of our respective children, how long we'd been married, comments about Alison's older sister and the loosest of plans for the coming year. I realised that part of not being in touch with someone like this is not knowing who they really are, forgetting exactly when the last meeting was and therefore what would be easiest to explain and comprehend. As well as what makes sense via a brief note in the media used.

This caused me to wonder why I didn't mention anything that has actually happened to me since we last saw each other. And how do I tell someone I should be closer to about the last 10 years and about the person I am these days? How would someone who hadn't seen me regularly grasp who I am via a quick note, understand my values and appreciate the qualities I try to aspire to.

I think with this entry I've illustrated one of the things we wanted to explore at the outset of all this- our fundamental concern as human beings with how we are perceived by others. I'm determined that I am going to see Alison as early this year as is practical for us both.

Ordinary

More and more I am be-coming an ordinary woman. Ordinary in this sense equals natural - in tune with the natural rhythms of life and the cycles of nature and my body. Although post-menopausal I notice cycles in my physical be-ing which I am slowly becoming attuned to in order to understand them and therefore myself more. I am looking to lead a more ordinary, natural life. Ordinary in this sense equals simple - doing as little harm as possible to my immediate and global environment, helping in my own small way to preserve and heal our beautiful Gaia, our living Earth. For years my refrain has been "I just want to live a simple life". I am trying.
Simple does not equal easy ;o).

Patience is a Virtue?

Hmmm, yes, well, this is me sitting in my cocoon. I realised, at some point over the last week or so, that I had turned what was my bubble - which infers something soft and malleable - into a shell, much harder to penetrate. This leads back to an earlier posting about whether my safe space has turned into a prison of my own devising. I am still contemplating that one, I am sensing it is rather my thoughts that do that.
Back to my cocoon - I was thinking about the image of a cocoon - being wrapped in silken threads, or gauze or some such wondrous substance that is soft, warm and comforting rather than what I think I have done over time, unconsciously perhaps, but nevertheless real, and that is to turn my safe bubble into a brittle and harsh covering that actually keeps me from me and my inner world/s. This is not about keeping others out, far from it, although keeping me from me would undoubtedly have a knock-on effect. I realise too, on reading this back to myself, that I "forgot" my protectors too, perhaps that is why I turned my featherlike protection into something harder - I will find out no doubt. Bear with, I am writing as I am thinking.

So, what am I learning from this - that I, at some point, became dis-connected which I feel very strongly. I am in the process of re-connecting - that was the point of the cocoon in the first place - a time to hibernate, a quiet withdrawn time - a time to digest, but above all a time to listen - to be clear of my intent and to hear the response/s. What I have learned is that I fear losing the control - of letting go and allowing - and that I am impatient. I want the process to be done now! I am laughing at myself - this part of my identity/personality I know well lol. I did not, however, realise that I liked to be in control (I am a little worried that several of you out there will have noticed this about me already lol). Hey ho - I am aware now and am trying, oh how I am trying to let myself BE! Why oh why is that so darned difficult? Ha - another question ;o).

Thin Skin

There have been a few bumps in life just recently and it occurred to me that throughout my life I have been "accused" of being too sensitive and that I have not acknowledged this part of who I am on this project.
So, here I am doing just that. I am trying to learn to see my sensitivity as a positive rather than as the negative that it has been reflected to me as. In my heart of hearts I know it is not "wrong" to be hurt by the actions of others - it also does not make me a weak person or a victim. I think I probably do myself more damage by restricting my responses than I would if I allowed myself free expression - recent events tell me that I am still concerned, at least a little, about how others perceive me. It is up to me and only me to alter that. I am so enjoying the fact that I am learning all the time whilst collaborating in this way - some of the lessons I see, or the character traits I have are not perhaps those that I would wish for but I am glad to have the opportunity, not only of working in this way, but of sharing the whole process with others.
How blessed we are!

My Sacred Path

I've shamelessly stolen the title and inspiration for this post from the wonderful Sacred Path deck created by Jamie Samms.

My journey towards becoming who I feel I am hasn't been particularly easy. I live in a household of sceptics for whom the notion of living life by the moon and seasons seems at odds with modern life. Many of my friends wouldn't know what to make of my library of pagan books, or my need to have a shrine on hand. They wonder at me when I consult a diary to check my instincts about good times to start new projects, break bad habits, when the sun and moon rise and set. The fact that I feel the pull of the tides at full moon would be incomprehensible to most of them. They don't understand my need to be up at dawn and in bed at dusk, to mark the seasons with a celebration, unless it coincides with Easter or Christmas. Nor do they understand seeking wisdom from the ancients and the tarot when I want a new perspective on a problem or worry. If I mentioned getting close to nature, by taking my shoes off to touch the earth they'd wonder about my sanity.

I never set out to know these things, to reject my high church upbringing in favour of an ancient religion where there is both god and goddess and a priest is not required, it just came to be part of me. My world is littered with symbols- spirals, shells for water, feathers for air. And colours that represent feelings and sentiments, my spread is deliberately coloured to encompass the colours yellow, for knowledge and purple for for enlightenment, where totems abound and superstitions have roots in realities.

My sacred path is a journey that winds its way round most obstacles even if I have to go the long way round. It means keeping quiet when I'd love to rejoice, writing off the signs I feel physically as "women's troubles" to explain away the influences that nature and the seasons have upon me.

I live in hope that one day those who are near and dear to me will come to accept my journey and in time may see some merits in my beliefs.

Triple Spirals

I love the spiral as a symbol, has deep roots in ancient worlds and civilisations, yet at its most simple is a doodle on a pad when I'm bored. As a pagan I have a firm belief in the triple aspect of the goddess and her roles as maiden, mother and crone, hence my depiction of the spiral as having 3 arms. As an embroiderer, I'm aware of the power of the spiral as a symbol worked into embroidery designs as a protective motif or homage to the gods. In art it represents growth, cosmic motion, spirit and evolution.

My spirals are about paths I've traveled, representative of my depression and the things I believe in. I've chosen to draw a form of the Celtic symbol that is used to represent the progression of life and the mind during spiritual development. It's a symbol I've included in my art work over some years, and in my own exploration of identity it is one I am drawn to again and again. My route too and from a depressive episode is categorised as a spiral, on the way down its dark coloured, lightening on the way up. My quest for knowledge and understanding is depicted in this format too and I've always seen my spiritual journey as a spiral, revelling in the knowledge and wisdom I encounter as I move around the wheel of the year through the rites and rituals that I follow as a pagan.

The place I am at in life is represented by the mother aspect of the goddess, whilst she wouldn't admit it my daughter still has need of a mother, and I'm not yet ready to cast off this mantle just yet a while. I don't yet have the necessary knowledge or wisdom to aspire to view myself as a crone, although I'm certainly well past being cast as the maiden.